Years ago, I learned a hard but important lesson in communication. And this experience has stuck with me for over 25 years.

I sat directly across from my colleague, Jane, and often throughout the day we would banter about this and that. One day (out of the blue), I was told by my boss that Jane was uncomfortable with the tone of our conversations and felt that my direct, sarcastic nature was offensive.

I was stunned! I had no clue she was ill at ease.

I recognize that I had made many assumptions, but the worst assumption I made was that Jane would tell me about her discomfort herself! I assumed that because I could stand up for myself and be able to tell someone to stop that everyone else could as well.

Action – Whenever you’re speaking with others, remember that some people just don’t have the skills to communicate their fears, feelings, objections or even appreciation the same way you do.

7 Responses

  1. Thanks Nancy – as a direct communicator myself it’s good to be reminded to be aware of the audience! Great advice as always.

    Necole

  2. Hi Nancy

    It’s amazing how many let things slip by. I would rather have someone challenge me or at least verbalize their displeasure in something. I am not offended when this happens, I am honoured that they trust me.

    But because so many simply can’t do this, I am working on being more professional until I know the other person better. Really, I don’t want to offend others…I also need to be who I am, right? ah, balance!

  3. Something similar happened to me. I like to tell jokes at the coffee table, then one day I was called by my boss telling that somebody claimed that my jokes insinuated second intentions…. but even I laughed about what was said, at the same time it made me sad, how people is not confrontative when they feel discomfort. Terrible experience..! I know how it feel.. Thanks for remind me about this Nancy.

    By the way.. You are great and you have done a lot good for me!!! Thanks a lot.

    Bye,

  4. Nancy I’m just wondering if Bob actually did a service to Jane in bringing her discomfort to your attention? Was there a missed opportunity for him to support her in expressing her discomfort so honoring all of you. In any case it was what it was and you took the best you could from it. Which is everything that you could have done. 🙂

    All good things.

    Sharon

    1. I agree, Sharon. Bob had missed an opportunity to support her to communicate with me directly. For many managers, they feel so pushed for time that taking those extra steps isn’t a priority. And knowing Bob myself, he was much more of a “I’ll do it myself” kind of manager, unfortunately.

  5. Good lesson. I am guilty of being frustrated with co workers because they will not speak out or don’t speak out in the same way that I do. I am an introvert but extrovert tendencies. I was taught not to back down if I thought I was correct. A hard lesson to learn was knowing when was the right time to back down or just keep my mouth closed. At 47 I am still learning those lessons. Thanks Nancy.

  6. Communication is one or our greatest gifts or in some cases our worse enemy. Part of the problem is “political or professional correctness” and making sure that everyone within earshot of what you are saying will not take what you say offensively and it is very easy to hurt others with no malice at all. I strive to be at peace with everyone but find that is not always possible so it is best to be less bold and more thoughtful. Still learning this lesson daily

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