Negative Emotions and Trust


I often draw inspiration and ideas for many of my posts through my own personal experiences. That generally lays the groundwork or theme of what I write. From there, I add in the science aspect – what we know in psychology – and whenever possible, marry it to our daily working life.

So, I could go into a long story about a personal drama that is playing out in my family right now, but I won’t. Suffice to say, there have been numerous conversations about the idea of “trust”, what constitutes it, breaks it and creates it.

There are other posts on this blog that delve into the subject from various viewpoints (just use the search box on the right). But I wanted to come at this from a different direction today and that is the relationship between some of our emotions and our ability to trust others.

While reviewing some research in academic journals, I came across a very well written summary of how our negative emotions (in particular) can impact our ability to trust others. Take a moment now to read it using the link below.

Action – But before you open the link, prime your brain with this three-part question:

  • How are my negative emotions in any aspect of life impacting the degree to which I trust others?
  • In turn, how is that negatively impacting my daily choices?
  • And my overall career?

Here is the article.

But What?

We all have ’em.

Buts.

No, not butts, though we all have those too.

But “but”.

You know … that little word that stops you from taking the next step. From choosing A or B (or C or Q). From feeling more positive about yourself. From living the life you say you want.

You know … these buts:

• But what if I look foolish?
• But I have too much to do!
• But no one will understand.
• But it won’t work for me.
• But I’d rather be doing something else.

And, of course, the big but (sorry, couldn’t resist) …

But what if I fail?!

There are only three things that squash buts.

  1. Taking action on even the smallest thing that’s creating the but
  2. A nice mix of accountability and encouragement
  3. Higher self-awareness so you know where that version of but is coming from

Action – List one ‘but’ you know you have that is getting in your way. Just write it down. Let it sit for a couple of days. Then list all the different actions you could take, the type of accountability and encouragement you’d like and your intuitive sense of what is underlying the fear (which, of course, ‘but’ reflects).

Then see what you want to do next.

Maybe it’s this.

Hear Yourself Think

Can you hear yourself think?

Probably not.

Most people are stuck somewhere between the external gurus (that tell you they know more than you do so therefore you should buy their secrets) and the internal critic (that tells you that you are undeserving, unworthy, not good enough or some other BS you’ve learned along the way).

With all that noise going on, it is no wonder you can’t hear yourself think !!

There are only three weapons that will slay those villains.

  1. Self-awareness – of what you think, how you feel, why you believe certain things, what motivates you, what makes you sad, what scares you, who makes you feel all mushy, why you like certain things more than others and so on.
  2. Accountability – we are more likely to keep a promise to someone else than to ourselves so having a degree of accountability to a person you respect, who will kick your ass if need be, can accelerate you along your path.
  3. Encouragement – we all need a sincere “well done” from time to time, especially when we are still bogged down in our own negativity that we cannot see how amazing we are (which is generally every day).

Put these three things together, and the internal and external noise that is getting in your way doesn’t stand a chance!

Action – On a scale of 1-10, honestly rate whether you have true self-awareness, have someone (or several) who respectfully hold you accountable and have someone (or several) who genuinely boost you up.

What’s missing?

Happy New Year – Part 3

I hope you have enjoyed the exercises and questions over the last few days.  Remember to leverage your learning by sharing your ideas, thoughts and awareness with someone who can help you achieve your goals in 2019.

Please note that if you have not read Part 1 or Part 2 of this series, Part 3 may not make much sense. Please go back and read them now.

Okay, from Friday’s exercise, I hope you have started to create your list of tolerations so that you can zap them on the head!  Yes, some will take more effort and time.  Yet others, like the wallpaper hanging down, the messy car, the unfinished conversations or arguments with others, can be halted as energy-drainers much faster.  You’ll be stunned at just how light you can feel by removing 25% of them!

PART III – LOOKING FORWARD INTO 2019

Now, this is where we get to have a bit more fun!  Why is it more fun? Because we are in creation mode!  2019 is just about to start.  And it is carte blanche, a tabula rasa, waiting for us to draw, design, sketch out and deliberately color in our lives over the coming 12 months.

So, let’s look ahead.

Whoops, don’t want to lose you now!  I’m not actually talking about New Year Resolutions (which many folks will both start and stop in the next few days!).  Sounds counter-intuitive, but making New Year Resolutions is not the best way to have your best year yet!

What I’m referring to, again, is an opportunity to create.

And this is a simple exercise.  It is the sort of exercise that just screams ease, joy, fun, creativity.  Yet it simultaneously lines up our energy to all things positive and possible in the Universe.

Okay, this exercise is a two-parter.

For the first part, you will need those 3 x 5 cards.  Take out your list of tolerations from Friday’s exercise.  For each toleration that you’ve not yet gotten rid of, write it down on a separate card.  Remember, you wanted to remove 25% of these in the past couple of days but if you haven’t done so yet, put those 25% on the top of the pile. For the remaining 75%, I’m going to ask you to commit to zapping one toleration per week throughout 2019.  You may find that you zap a lot more per week, but shoot for at least one!

For the second part of the exercise, you will once again want to find some quiet space to ponder, dream and play.  This is where your imagination gets full permission to take over for a while. I also invite you to give this part of the exercise much more than 15 minutes if you can.

(If you happen to be south of the equator, just flip the following descriptions of the seasons around a bit!)

In this place of quiet and calm, cast your thoughts and energy forward into January and all the month may bring.  Now, move on to February and all the fun you could have.  How about March?  Will you be planning your summer holidays at the same time as relishing the last days of winter?

Now, we’re into April and you can smell spring in the air.  Through May, June and July – those lazy, hazy days of summer.  On into August (oh, the heat!) and September and rolling through autumn into October, November (oh, the cold) and into the joys of Christmas again in December.

Think about the friends you will see, the new adventures you will have, the family visits you will enjoy.  Imagine the feelings of success you will have at work, as you take command of your career and spread your wings even further.

Think of those quiet times that you will be on your own, contemplating and just enjoying who you are.  Sense how you will overcome challenges that appear.  Revel in the growth you will experience as you learn more about yourself and your world.  Feel joy and appreciation right down the tips of your toes for all that 2019 will bring into your life.

Let your imagination roll – it has tremendous power.

Cast your mind forward one year and, pretending it is the end of December 2019, write your answers to the following questions.  For the first 5, use a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 representing “definitely not” and 10 being “definitely yes” along with any additional comments you want to make:-

1.  Have I lived in a way that is consistent with my values in 2019?

2.  Have I taken great care of my mind, body and spirit throughout 2019?

3.  Have I achieved what I set out to achieve in 2019?

4.  Have I been deliberate in my actions?

5.  Have I taken control to move, shape, and design my environment myself?

6.  What worked really well in 2019?

7.  What actions did I take that served others?

8.  What am I most proud of?

9.  When I look back throughout 2019, what makes me smile?

10.  Who entered my life in 2019 that brings me joy?

11.  What did I do that I didn’t think I could do?

Your answers to these 11 questions bring forth your goals, plans, ideas, attitudes and achievements for 2019.

What actions do you need to take right now to be able to answer these questions the way you want this time next year?

What do you need to start doing?  Stop doing?  Do more of?

What’s the plan?

Write it down – make it happen.

If you would like any input, support or the occasional compassionate kick in the butt (or ‘but’ that gets in your way) to get you moving, just let me know! It’s what I’m famous for!

Now, you might be saying to yourself “is that it? Is that all she is giving me in the way of tools or ideas for planning 2019?”

Yes.

Because this is all you actually need!

I’ve been studying what it takes to create success and achievement for over 25 years and one of the things I’ve come across that consistently stops people from getting where they want to go is their unnecessary need to (a) make things complicated and/or (b) look for a huge arsenal of tools, tricks and tips.

All you need you now have!

You have taken stock of 2018 and created a list of annoying things you are putting up with. Believe me, if you get rid of half of those tolerations over the next few weeks, you will create a 2019 that is filled – overflowing – with soooo much success and achievement, you will be running to my door to thank me!

And, as the icing on the cake, by answering questions 6 – 11 above, you will have proactively set your priorities, goals, targets and ambitions for a wonderful New Year.

It does not have to be any more complicated than this!

Just ask the hundreds (maybe thousands?) of people who used this program exactly one year ago!

It’s your turn now. Create 2019 as your best year yet!

Happy New Year – Part 2

What did you learn from yesterday’s exercises?  What achievements appeared that surprised you?

As promised, we’re going to look at those bits and pieces that seem to hang around us, weigh us down, distract us.  These are known as “tolerations” – those energy-sapping annoyances that creep into our thoughts, time, energy and space.

This toleration-zapping exercise is something you can do any time of year, but is particularly valuable around a New Year.

What tolerations are you now ready to let go of?  What do you now refuse to carry in to 2019?

Let’s have a look!

(PS – if you have not yet read yesterday’s post or done the exercises, please do that now. The posts today and tomorrow won’t make much sense if done out of order.)

PART II – TOLERATIONS EXERCISE

The fundamental principle here is that we are treated the way we allow others, and the universe, to treat us.   We move through life accepting less than the best from ourselves and others.  And every time we tolerate or put up something that isn’t really up to our standards, we give up a little piece of ourselves.

What are you tolerating in your life right now?  What are the behaviours of yourself and other people that you are putting up with?  What conditions and circumstances are you bearing up under or living with that flatten your spirit, try your patience, and drain your energy?  

Be very aware, as these tolerations could be so subtle or innocent they seem to be “just the way life is.”  Whatever they are, they drag you down and keep you smaller than you need to be.  It’s time to eliminate them!

Start this exercise by making note of everything you are tolerating. Some people start their list with that annoying bit of wallpaper that hangs down in the top corner of the bedroom that they see every night as they drift off to sleep and end the list with the dissatisfying marriage or disappointing career!  Whatever … bring them to the surface but do this today (you can build on it later, but at least write something down today).

Your list could have 5 things on it or it could have 105.  Doesn’t matter. Just get them written down on paper.

Okay – now a challenging request for action comes!

Identify the 25% of your list that you are prepared to get rid of, delete, toss out, discontinue, leave by the curb, resolve, finalize between now and Monday (or the next few days if you are reading this at another time).

Yup, 25%.

What things are you finally tired of carrying around?

Plan your actions into your schedule so that these tolerations are gone, outta there, old history, over the next few days.

Just imagine how much lighter, happier, healthier, alive and energized you will feel when you are 25% less burdened by energy-sapping tolerations!

In the third and final installment on Monday, we’ll be looking further into the New Year and the magic you’ll be creating!  In preparation, get yourself a pack of 3 x 5 index cards or a stack of note paper (hint – the cards work best so go out and buy some this weekend if you need to).  I’ll tell you more about how to utilize these in a couple of days!

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