Negative Emotions and Trust


I often draw inspiration and ideas for many of my posts through my own personal experiences. That generally lays the groundwork or theme of what I write. From there, I add in the science aspect – what we know in psychology – and whenever possible, marry it to our daily working life.

So, I could go into a long story about a personal drama that is playing out in my family right now, but I won’t. Suffice to say, there have been numerous conversations about the idea of “trust”, what constitutes it, breaks it and creates it.

There are other posts on this blog that delve into the subject from various viewpoints (just use the search box on the right). But I wanted to come at this from a different direction today and that is the relationship between some of our emotions and our ability to trust others.

While reviewing some research in academic journals, I came across a very well written summary of how our negative emotions (in particular) can impact our ability to trust others. Take a moment now to read it using the link below.

Action – But before you open the link, prime your brain with this three-part question:

  • How are my negative emotions in any aspect of life impacting the degree to which I trust others?
  • In turn, how is that negatively impacting my daily choices?
  • And my overall career?

Here is the article.

I Have A Confession

I’m always a bit intrigued when I meet people who think that, because of the work I do in personal and professional development, my life must be totally sorted.

Zen-like.

Balanced.

As much as I’d like to say it is, of course it is not.

I become stuck, feel envious, get bogged down in noise, get angry ‘unnecessarily’, let things overwhelm me, and just about everything else.

I argue with my husband, worry about money from time to time, have little patience with the stepkids sometimes (who are now in their 20s), want to hibernate away from everyone and just cannot be bothered with doing “today’s” work.

However …

And it is a big “however” …

I possess a deep sense of confidence and calm, knowing where these things are coming from and exactly how to get back on track. I do not berate myself (as much) anymore nor do I judge myself as a failure in some way.

Every day, I know some squirrel is probably going to tempt me or throw a curve ball in my direction. And that’s okay. In fact, it is part of the fun.

Action – What magic pill did I swallow? None (though a glass of wine or G&T can certainly be helpful).

It is a matter of the choices I make on a frequent basis. These are the same choices you can make too:

• Practice some degree of mindfulness throughout the day
• Pause in gratitude frequently
• Praise myself for the things that I do that are a stretch
• Notice and acknowledge others for who they are
• Purposefully shut off (or at least tone down) the inner critic
• Stop listening to all the “secrets” – I know me best
• Believe in something bigger than me
• Raise my self-awareness constantly
• Be a lifelong learner.

In other words, many little decisions made throughout the day, every day. No magic pill. No “30 days to a million dollars”. Just daily consistent, persistent attitude and actions.

Your turn.

But What?

We all have ’em.

Buts.

No, not butts, though we all have those too.

But “but”.

You know … that little word that stops you from taking the next step. From choosing A or B (or C or Q). From feeling more positive about yourself. From living the life you say you want.

You know … these buts:

• But what if I look foolish?
• But I have too much to do!
• But no one will understand.
• But it won’t work for me.
• But I’d rather be doing something else.

And, of course, the big but (sorry, couldn’t resist) …

But what if I fail?!

There are only three things that squash buts.

  1. Taking action on even the smallest thing that’s creating the but
  2. A nice mix of accountability and encouragement
  3. Higher self-awareness so you know where that version of but is coming from

Action – List one ‘but’ you know you have that is getting in your way. Just write it down. Let it sit for a couple of days. Then list all the different actions you could take, the type of accountability and encouragement you’d like and your intuitive sense of what is underlying the fear (which, of course, ‘but’ reflects).

Then see what you want to do next.

Maybe it’s this.

The Big Picture

In the big picture, most of what you worry or complain about won’t matter to you in a year. In fact, it is unlikely to matter to you in a week. Worse still, it is likely something that you can’t control anyway!

That doesn’t seem to stop you from ruminating about it though, does it?

Why is that? Why do people – generally smart and knowledgeable folk – consistently spend time bitching, whining, worrying over things that either don’t matter or that they can’t control?

Well, there are a few possible answers. Briefly, some could be:

1. They are simply used to doing it this way and it is just part of their process (however futile)
2. If others are doing it, it makes them part of ‘the gang’
3. They are deflecting anger or frustration from one matter over there to this matter right here

However, more often than not, any type of negative rumination is an avoidance tactic involving something else.

You see, most of us actually know what we can and cannot control on a daily basis. So staying stuck by focusing on our worry and complaining means we don’t have to take certain risks, jeopardize our self-esteem or put ourselves in the way of other people’s possible rejection or bad-mouthing.

If you weren’t bitching so much, you’d have a whole bunch of time to get on with other things! The problem is that some of those things cause you to procrastinate.

And that is why procrastination can be such a positive and powerful thing!

Action – Don’t believe me? Read the first 18 pages of this!

Fake News (Honest)

It’s Blue Monday today. And apparently, you are supposed to be the most depressed you will be all this year.

Well, that’s pretty good news for me because, as I type this on pre-Blue Monday Sunday, I’m in a damn good mood, thank you very much.

But I suppose tomorrow I could wake up totally depressed.

Ya, I doubt it.

You’re likely going to hear the media chat today about the “Blue Monday” formula, which looks like this:

What do all the initials mean? Let’s break it down. W = weather, D = debt, d = monthly salary, T = time since Christmas, Q = time since you gave up on your New Year’s resolutions, M = low motivation levels and Na = a feeling of needing to take action.

On first glance, one could say “ya, that makes sense” as things like debt and weather can weigh on us sometimes. But glances are over in nanoseconds and this formula is fake for all sorts of reasons. In particular, mathematically it is impossible. Things like low motivation levels and feelings are hard to quantify with stable numbers. Even “weather” would be hard to “score”.

And just when you thought that was confusing, another formula came out (by the same guy):

Tt = travel time, D = delays, St = time spent stressed out, C = time spent on cultural activities (??), R = time spent relaxing, ZZ = time sleeping (haha), P = time spent packing for a holiday, and Pr = time spent in preparation.

Can anyone begin to guess what this actually is?

Well, 2005 was the first year “Blue Monday” and any type of formula was mentioned in the media. The associated press release was authored by an academic in the UK.

Ummm, nope, that’s not quite accurate. It was, in fact, written by a public relations firm who passed it around to academics inviting them to put their name on it in exchange for a payment.

And who was that PR firm working for? Sky Travel, a budget travel shop and TV channel in the UK who were promoting their winter travel offers!

How brilliant is this PR stunt? 

Since 2005, the third Monday of every January (in the Northern Hemisphere) has been called “Blue Monday” with not a dot of fact, accuracy, or even logic attached to it, all because of a PR firm’s great press release and an academic’s willingness to put his name to the concept. Cliff Arnall, said academic, has since claimed that his intention was to simply inspire people to take action and the University he was a part-time tutor at back then distanced themselves from him.

For most of the 1990s, I was the administrative and facilities head of a mental health unit in the UK. Yes, the dark winter months can certainly make people feel blue. But so can insidious stress, a sudden loss, feelings of loneliness and any number of other external and internal factors. Honestly, there is no basis for Blue Monday in science.

Action – It is, however, a good reminder that we need to take care of our emotional well-being, especially during the darker days of winter. Further still, it can nudge us to check in with others who might be a little more susceptible these days.

Search through the 1400 or so articles on my blog for ways to reduce stress, stay motivated, get out of bed feeling positive, and generally feel far more appreciative and grateful throughout the year.

Blue Monday was a (very successful) tongue-in-cheek PR stunt, not a fact. And, it is a good reminder that we can use any time of the year.

(Oh, and this Blue Monday story is another example of just how gullible we can be.)

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